Dear Bubbe,
Six years…I’ll
be honest, I think this year was easier overall than last year, but there are
some days where I miss you like I did six years ago to this day. I still cry,
and I wonder if the tears will ever truly fade, because I know you never wanted
me to cry for you. I remember you requested that of me six years ago, along
with staying in school and finding someone special to marry someday (still no
luck I’m afraid…but I promised I’d wait until that special someone comes around
– preferably after med school as we agreed). I still replay a few cherished
memories from time to time – like me ringing that turtle-shaped bell in the
dining room and annoying the living daylights out of Mom and Dad, you becoming
the biggest Beano supplier in Baltimore, or me watching you pray at Zayde’s gravesite
in complete rapture and silence. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and drown out
the world, I can hear your voice in my mind, and it’s like you never left. Especially
reflecting on the last few years of your life when we started discussing life’s
hardships and disappointments, we became so close.
Can I confess
that I’m afraid to talk to Dad on your yahrzeit? He loves and misses you so
very much…trust me, the whole family does…but Dad especially. Your yahrzeit
weighs so heavy on his heart, and I fear upsetting him by talking about you to
him today. You made such an impact on his life – and mine too – in more ways
than you know.
Bubbe, you’d be so
proud…I scraped by another year in medical school! The second year, they say,
is the hardest, and I’m halfway through my third year now (and by the grace of
G-D passed Surgery)!! Remember when I said that the pain of second year would eventually
pay off? It’s finally happening! The docs are letting me see patients (on my
own) and do all sorts of amazing things! I’ve held new life in my hands, given
advice to hundreds about medical issues, explained procedures, and discussed
end-of-life care documentation with patients. I feel so empowered and connected
with my community, and I have never felt so ready to start my career than with
the inspirations of third year.
And guess what?
I enjoyed pediatrics!! Yeah, I know – crazy coming from the budding
geriatrician! I’m interested in becoming a family medicine physician because of
the joy of treating sick kiddos (but still thinking of focusing in geriatrics
for the most part). And still thinking about hospice/nursing care-type settings
and still committed to being an “old-fashioned” house-call doctor for my patients
with transportation issues. I’m also thinking about working with the
Spanish-speaking community as I am starting to become much better at Spanish
with practice in the hospital. It never gets old when my patients wonder why a “Herbert
Rosenbaum” can speak Spanish! But, I’m so happy and honored to offer services
to a wider slice of the population. I’ve become so active in medical politics
and American medicine, and it’s so surreal finally feeling like I can make a
difference in people’s health. Oh, I used your picture in a presentation on my psychiatry rotation! It's was about Adult Protective Services, and I used you to represent that we should always know that we should always think of someone we love when on the fence about reporting elder abuse. You have inspired so much of my passion for medicine, and I wanted to find someway to honor that gift you gave to me.
On the Jewish
front, I still struggle with much of my expression of faith here in medical
school and in Dallas. Chagim are still so difficult without you, especially
High Holidays. While I am still Jewish in my blood and soul, it is so difficult
to balance my needed time in the hospital and to find a community with similar
Jewish ideals to my own. I have made a few Jewish friends here and there, and
don’t get me wrong, I love them to pieces. But it is so hard to maintain a
vibrant community which promotes Judaism as a central element of one’s being.
Celebrating and praying was effortless around you. I felt so connected to my
heritage and faith around you, and looking back, I never realized how much of a
security blanket your Jewishness was for me. Or, how much your Jewishness would
influence my own. Trying to nurture the seedlings of my growing faith has
become an immense undertaking. Interestingly, I have found it in the recent
months through Jewish cooking (who knew this kid could bake?). I’m trying to
revive your old recipes and recreate “Bubbe’s Kitchen” best I can. I found your
recipe for mandel bread…I know it’s yours because your final instruction is to
keep the cookies hidden from Dad.
I miss running
to you and asking a million questions about Jewish traditions. You just knew …
everything.
Oh, and I would be
so mad at myself if I did not tell you the good news! Bubbe, George got a job!
I can’t really explain what it is, but he contracts work with Intel – the computer
company! That kid would make you so proud. He’s come such a long way, and to
bask in his success is truly a dream come true. He misses you too…
Mom and Dad are
doing well, all things considered. They are active with their friends in San
Antonio, and Mom will go to the casino from time to time. Retired life sounds
kinda nice among my hours and hours of daily work and study!
Say hi to Zayde
for me…Aunt Es too!
May G-D bless you
forever in G-D’s Kingdom.
I pray G-D one day
reunites our souls.
I miss you and
love so very much, always and forever.
With
all my love,
Herbert
