Reflections during עשרת ימי תשובה (Aseret Yimei T'shuvah/Ten Days of Repentance) 5775

B"H

!!אַ גוט געבענטשט יאָר

!!שנה טובה ומתוקה

!! גמר חתימה טובה

Happy New Year to all of my readers who celebrate Rosh Hashanah!!

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I suppose it's been awhile since I last updated this blog. With the launch of my medical school blog, I'm still trying to find a way to synthesize all my thoughts in one place. However, I kinda like keeping my religious thoughts in a separate entity from my general medical school ramblings, especially during this time of year known as עשרת ימי תשובה (Aseret Yimei T'shuvah/Ten Days of Repentance).

As a kiddo, I went to services because my parents forced my little toches into shul. My memories of the High Holy Days consist of having to pee every two minutes (read: I wanted to leave so bad that I used a weak bladder as an excuse) and asking my dad where we were in the מחזור (makhzor/special prayerbook for the holidays) because I couldn't keep up with the Hebrew (...not that it mattered. I didn't understand what the heck it meant in English anyway)! There were some positive memories, such as my (still experienced today) state of awe when the Ark is opened or the Torah is paraded around the aisles of the congregation. Or, twiddling with the ציצית (tzitzit/fringes) on my dad’s טלית (tallit or tallis/prayer shawl) as he recited prayers. And of course, the שופר (shofar/ram's horn), which is so mystical to hear. I enjoyed the family time and being with the congregation, and I think I had internalized the basic premise of this reflective period in the Jewish calendar, but it was more frustrating than anything in all honesty. Especially the unrelenting fast of יום כיפור (Yom Kippur/Day of Atonement). 

But, I suppose it wasn't until after my Bar-Mitzvah that I started to feel the gravity of the ten day period and its ability to transcend my soul. Something about the first Days of Awe as a "certified adult" struck me: the sound of the שופר (shofar/ram's horn) no longer became a novelty, but a call to action. I felt the blasts reverberate my bones, the shrill cries shook awake my soul, the final תקיעה גדולה (Tekiyah Gedolah/Large Blast) opened my eyes to a new perception of the world around me, the words of "אבינו מלכנו" ("Avinu Malkeinu"/"Our Father, Our King") caused my body to tremble in my heartfelt request for forgiveness. This time reminds me to take time to re-center, to change for the better, to strengthen relationships with others, and seek to better myself in a way I cannot fully explain. My attendance at shul during this period has thus become essential in my development as a man, a brother, a son, a friend, a Jew, and a person. I look forward to these Days. I anticipate their impact. The Ten Days of Repentance (particularly in my post Bar-Mitzvah “adult” life) hold a special place in my heart: traditions abound, spiritual purification, mental realignment, physical challenge, personal reflection, (and an excuse to drown EVERYTHING in honey without judgement). 

This year, this period has been rough to say the least. My time in shul was limited with the demands of medical school. I got seats for one person knowing that I was going without friends or family for perhaps the first time ever. I performed the service of תשליך‎ (Tashlikh/Casting Off) at a fish pond on campus because I don't know of other places to do it locally (the service requires a moving body of water). It has been lonely, depressing, and quiet. I wasn't so sure I'd have the same experiences as I usually do during this very sacred period. 

But, interestingly, this year HAS allowed a sense of uninterrupted introspection, which has presented itself in interesting manifestations:

• I've accidentally rediscovered Barbra Streisand's version of "Avinu Malkeinu," which is obviously flawless.
• Medical school enhances one's ability to perceive, to feel, and to connect with others (if one allows it), and, thus, my already reflective nature has been hyper-stimulated. And my self-searching has blossomed despite studying furiously for this upcoming examination on blood/cancer/genes/"random things that kinda go together but not really." (This is a HUGE 'win' in my book).
• I've flirted with the idea of wearing a כיפה (kippah/skull-cap) full-time. I don't know why, but this year, I've tried it out a few times outside of shul, and I'm seeing how it makes me feel. Jury's still out.
• During the recitation of  "עלינו" ("Aleinu"/"Our Duty") during the High Holy Days, it is customary for some Jews to fully prostrate themselves before G-D. As I reached the floor for recitation during ראש השנה (Rosh Hashanah/The New Year), I found it difficult to rise again, not from physical ailment, but from spiritual oneness I haven't felt in a long time. I am still trying to understand what happened in that moment, because I could have stayed in that position for a lifetime...I've never felt this way before, and I'm still processing those emotions.
• I have listened to several YouTube recordings of various cantors chanting "הנני" ("Hineni"/"Here I Am"), a.k.a. "The Cantor's Prayer," and have found myself thinking about its importance in the service, and the role of a cantor. Sometimes, I wish I could sing like a cantor just to say this prayer.
• After the Ten Days, I can say that I have awakened a new person, revitalized and ready for a fantastic year to come.

In the spirit of introspection, I have been thinking a lot about life and the things I need to change about myself. [EDIT: After Yom Kippur concluded, I change my list from "shoulds" to "wills" because it's time for change in my life]:

• I should will call home more often, just to say hi...so perhaps my parents' endless love can be reciprocated.
• I should will go to shul more often.
• I should will plan my weeks better to help my study schedule, and realize my free time in advance.
• I should will travel while I still can...plan a fun trip because I deserve it.
• I should will be more understanding of people...allow differences make for conversation and enlightened education.
• I should will reach out to the "new kids on the block" more often...in remembrance of what it's like to be new somewhere.
• I should will befriend new people while continuing to cultivate the relationships I have.
• I should will "get that beer" with friends...because life is too short.
• I should will be better to myself...in health, in self-perception, in confidence, and in recognition of my self-worth.
• I should will be proud of my opinions.
• I should will allow myself the freedom to love another person...instead of fearing the unknown.
• I should will trust more in others and in G-D...maybe then, I wouldn't be so paranoid.
• I should will stop fearing and find happiness in mistakes.
• I should will find happiness in the little things...like I did when I was little.

It's a tall order, but I have a good feeling for a good 5775 to come with friends and family.