Finding Oneself Beyond the False [כי תשא / Exodus 30:11-34:35]

B”H

To my Jewish readers, Chag Purim Sameakh (חג פורים שמח / Happy Purim Holiday)! May it be a joyous time of celebration of the good in the world, of renewed strength in the retelling of the Megillat Ester (מגילת אסתר / Book of Esther), and of mischloach manot (משלוח מנות / Purim baskets) filled with hamantaschen (המן טאשן/ cookies) and other sweets. To my friends partying the night away, please stay safe and arrange an Uber/taxi/DD…and drink a few for me; I’ll be cramming for my neurology block examination.

This week’s parshah is Exodus 30:11-34:35 - Ki Tisa (כי תשא / “When you take”), one of the more famous parshiyot in the Torah. Every Israelite contributes some money to support the internal architecture necessary for the functioning of the religious sanctuary, and the project will be supervised by master craftsmen Betzalel and Aholiav. The story then cuts abruptly to the handing of the tablets barring the Ten Commandments to Moses, who has been delayed in his journey back to his kin. Back home, the Israelites have turned to Aaron, Moses’ brother, for advice since Moses has been awhile on Mt. Sinai. He instructs the people of Israel to gather their golden earrings, from which Aaron melts and sculpts a golden calf, a false god who is now declared to have delivered them from Egypt. Aaron constructs an altar for the calf, and a festival is arranged the following day.

It does not take an astrophysicist to realize that G-D is perhaps not so keen on the whole false idolatry thing. G-D tells Moses that his people are “stiff-necked,” for they have turned against G-D, and must be annihilated. Moses does some quick thinking and pleads mercy by reminding G-D of all the good G-D has done for the people of Israel and the promise G-D made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to allow their people to grow. Good thing for Moses, because G-D decides to back off on his plans. Moses carries the tablets down the mountain, sees the joyous celebration of the Israelites for their new-founded deity, and, in a rage, drops and breaks the tablets at the base of Mt. Sinai. Moses’ rage continues as he destroys the calf, mixes the powdery remains in water, and forces the Israelites to drink their false idol. Aaron comes clean, and Moses forces the idol worshippers to kill one another – indeed brethren killing brethren – for their heinous sin.

I pause here from retelling the story with some personal commentary, for I find this part of the parshah very unsettling. I get that making and worshipping a false idol is a SUPER big no-no, but did such sin truly justify all these deaths? ESPECIALLY when half the reason G-D did not smite the Israelites when Moses was on Mt. Sinai was because Moses remembers G-D’s promise to make a populous nation!! Then, Moses goes and subsequently has 3,000 people killed, and in a violent manner of friends and kinsmen stabbing one another. Perhaps, he was just caught up in the moment in trying to drag the Israelites back to G-D, but I wonder if Moses has indeed himself sinned gravely for inciting such a travesty without any repercussions.

Anyway, some food for thought. Back to the story:

The next day, Moses arises with the hope of garnering G-D’s forgiveness. And he is successful, but G-D promises that the effects of their sin will be felt for several generations. G-D agrees to lead the Israelites and instructs Moses to allow for a revelation of G-D’s presence (which was G-D’s back, but not G-D’s face, for humans cannot live and see the face of G-D). Over the course of 40 days, Moses reconstructs new tablets, is told the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, and is given a variety of commandments including holiday celebrations and the famous line (among many in the laws dictating dietary customs) from Exodus 33:26:  Lo t’vashel g’di bakhalev imo” (לא תבשל גדי בחלב אמו/ “Do not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk”). As Moses descended from the mountain once again, he had become physically radiant, and the Israelites feared him. Moses veiled himself from the Israelites except to speak with G-D and to teach the law to them.

Around the beginning of this year, I had some internal discord and mental separation from myself. Lately, I have been in a place of deep introspection and self-evaluation; Ki Tisa comes at an opportune time in my thought process. I am realizing that several elements of my life are built around that which is false. I have surrounded myself in an environment which simply does not value the human element necessary for medical practice – perhaps my primary motivation for choosing this career. I am coming to realize people have used and abused me under the deceitful veil of friendship and do not care for my personal wellbeing, but for what I can do for them. I have forgone my personal beliefs and given of myself to others so much that I have lost touch with a part of myself. In such ways, I have constructed false idols in my career/medical education, friendship, intimacy and relationships, physical and spiritual wellbeing. I am on a journey now to once again find my true self. I have found my voice, as Moses did before G-D, and strived for forgiveness before G-D and for self-forgiveness. In the words of the great sage, Hillel the Elder: Im ein ani li, mi li? U’kh’sheani l’atzmi, mah ani? V’im lo akhshav, eimatai? (אם אין אני לי, מי לי? וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני? ואם לא עכשיו, אימתי / If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am [only] for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?)

As G-D revealed to Moses the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, I reveal myself publically who I am: a Jew, a future physician, a giver, a faithful friend, an honest voice, a reliable person, an understanding force, a forgiving soul, a cheerleader in the best of times, a shoulder in the worst of times, a passionate man, a defender of empathy and human rights for all people, and a dutiful citizen of the world. I care so deeply for the troubles of people around me, especially when I am in a position to actually provide assistance, but I have come to see that my agency is better suited when my offerings are valued, for they forge stronger bonds between me and other people. It is actually detrimental to allow myself to mingle in such circles, for I dilute that which I wish to give to the world. The elimination of the burdens of falseness allows for truer expression of the very things that led me to construct such toxic situations in my life. This time of self-rebuilding is particularly difficult for me, as I muddy the waters of social status quo in defense of myself and construct a meaningful environment in which I will grow as a physician, a friend, a lover, and a person. But, in such way, I am finding happiness and a renewed sense of self.

I encourage you to seek out those elements of your life which serve you no purpose – your “false idols,” eliminate them from your life, and rediscover a deeper version of yourself.