Where Shall I Go? [לך־לך/Genesis 12:1–17:27]

B”H 

This week’s Torah portion is Lekh L’kha (לך־לך), in which G-D instruct Abram to leave his familial dwelling to a new land. He travels with his wife Sarai and his nephew Lot, endures a terrible famine, and has to rescue Lot. Meanwhile, the barren Sarai is jealous of Hagar, Abram’s handmaid, in her conception of Abram’s seed. Hagar is mistreated by an enraged Sarai and flees temporarily. Oh, and Abram casually circumcises himself and the males of his family.  

Relevant themes in this parshah are numerous: mistreatment of women, jealously, familial strife, subservience to G-D…but I will try to focus my wandering mind on one goal. Indeed, the need to focus is the “focus” of this week’s dvar: veering astray.

Abram and Sarai must lie to save themselves. Lot leaves Abram and needs rescuing. Sarai, in an (understandable) fit of rage, curses Hagar. Like these characters, we too find ourselves off the straight and narrow path. However, in the end, the pharaoh spares Abram and Sarai, Lot is rescued, and Hagar is blessed with Ishmael, the progenitor of a great people.

Certainly, this week’s cramming for my anatomy practical (and subsequent anatomy didactic…oy vey) made me realize that I did not provide enough attention to my studies throughout the weeks and suffered the wrath of poor study habits. (With some luck, I hope I passed, and thank G-D it’s a pass/fail course). I veered away from ideal habits, and I failed.

But, I veered in other ways too. In the efforts to rectify the situation, I ate poorly, forwent exercise, forgot about sleep schedules, and sacrificed going to services for Friday night Shabbat. In a bit of depression in the ineffective nature of my studying, I found myself questioning why I am in medical school, why I’m even trying to succeed, why G-D is not listening to my cries for help, and even my faith at one particularly low point in the week. This last one really hurt deep and is extremely hard to admit…I’ve never experienced a religious crisis in which I questioned everything I’ve ever known before this week. For my friends of any religion, spirituality or faith who have yet to question their belief, it is perhaps the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

What I realize is that veering is not just OK, but commanded…even a veering from faith.

I look to the title of this week’s parshah, a command from G-D to “go forth (לך־לך).” Abram had NO idea where he was destined to go but still went. He went through the motions expected and followed G-D’s orders. Indeed, Abram is the only character without flaw this week (with the argument of Abram’s perhaps not-so-kosher treatment of women openly recognized…however, I view this action as a then-socially-accepted actions, current moral convictions aside; it was common for males to have multiple partners and sleep with servants). It is through Abram (now Abharam as renamed by G-D) that the Jewish people trace their lineage as a reward for one man’s dedication to the straight and narrow path.

The futures of Lot, Sarai (now Sarah as renamed by G-D), and Hagar are all preserved despite their wrongdoings. It stands to reason, then, that it is human nature to wander away, to succumb to our emotions in pursuit of a dead end path. G-D has allowed for this, and even COMMANDS it, as seen (as previously mentioned) in the title of this week’s parshah. I have learned my lessons about how to study anatomy, but more importantly, the importance of good diet/exercise regimens, and especially (for me) the need for the continuance of faith despite hard times and my emotional exertion.

We should strive to the ideal of Abraham, who rescued Lot in his time of misery, who literally begged G-D to bless Sarah with the gift of conception, and who blessed Ishmael (Hagar’s son) despite the obvious tension between Sarah and Hagar. I was blessed this week by innumerable friends who perhaps really had no idea was what really going on inside my head beyond woes of anatomy, but who sought to remind me that my struggles are valid, real, and expected of medical students. These people were my Abrahams this week: my rescuers, my helpers, and my prayers. Through their help and the words of this parshah, I have found myself slowly but surely re-centering myself in a happier state. I know now what I must do to succeed in anatomy (i.e.: don’t put it off until last minute), medicine is the ONLY field I wish to pursue, and someday, I will be an excellent healthcare provider—so long as I continue to maintain my studies, my health, and, importantly, my relationships with friends and G-D.

We all stumble. We all fail. We all veer away from the path we strive to choose to follow in this life. But, our relationships with one another allow us to refocus, re-evaluate, adjust our lives to continue steadily down our own paths, and succeed. May each of us veer from the path from time-to-time to question ourselves and everything we love, so to eventually continue down the path with increased vigor and determination.

In the wise words of Randy Pausch in his famous Last Lecture:

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”